I Was In Baby Hell

I'm child free by choice. Babies are not my thing, at all. They smell, they drool, they're expensive...the list goes on.

So I'm in line at the bank today. The very long line. The very long line that hasn't moved in 10 minutes.

There was a young woman in line in front of me with a baby around 9 or 10 months old. She was bouncing it around and talking to it really loud.

"OOOH look at how cute you are, you're drooling all over Mommy!"

:::she looks around to see who is paying attention to her:::

"OOPS you dropped your toy!"

The guy in front of her bends down and picks it up for her and she starts talking to him about her baby and how old it is and all sorts of stuff he isn't interested in. Finally he turns his back on her. It still takes her another minute to stop talking to him.

So she goes back to talking loudly to the baby.

Yes lady, we all get it. You have a baby. While I am sure that you love your baby very much and it's very special to you, here's a news flash: the rest of the world doesn't give a damn about the hairless, drool machine.

Then another young mother got in line behind me. Not to be outdone, she starts up. It was like an episode of Who Can Get More People To Look At Her Baby.

I was seriously in hell!

Here's my Top 10 List of Reasons Why I Will Never Have a Child:

1. They are expensive. Diapers, clothes, food, school shoes...the list goes on and on. When Dave retires from the Marine Corp, we are retiring for good. We couldn't have done that if we were raising kids.
2. A car seat would not fit in the Mustang, the Vette, or on the Harley.
3. No way in hell am I getting pregnant. I don't understand why people think pregnant women are beautiful. Glowing? I think they look bloated and obscene. Why would I voluntarily go through something that entails hemorrhoids, vomiting, and stretch marks?
4. I am the Center of the Universe. If you have a baby, you have to put their needs before your own and I'm not down with that.
5. When you have kids, you can't just drop everything and drive to Vegas at 10pm at night because you feel like it. Or run off to the beach. Or even go to the movies without finding a babysitter.
6. When you have kids, you can't lay around your living room naked and have sex on the couch, or the kitchen floor, or in the garage, or....well you get the picture.
7. The cat would hate it.
8. I like sleeping too much. I hear that becomes an issue when you have a baby.
9. I don't do bodily functions. I could never be a nurse or a vet. I don't do vomit, poop, pee, or snot. GROSS!
   
10. I forget to feed the cat. No way should I be given a baby. I'm not that responsible.