Rules For Drinking In A Bar

Since I started bartending, I found these to be extremely hilarious:

Rules for Drinking in a Bar:

Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb

Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

(this is one for me when I’m on the other side of the bar)

When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

(OMG, this one is so important. Yes I’m talking about you Brian give me a pint of Anchor Steam, I’m so poor I can only afford the drink)

Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

If you are broke and a friend is sporting you, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

(I’ll concur here, I had a famous movie star in over Thanksgiving and his tips STUNK!)

Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, I'm an idiot.

(ROTFLMAO!)

Never ask a bartender what's good tonight? They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

If there is a line for drinks, get your drink and step the hell away from the bar.

Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

Never preface a conversation with a bartender with I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .

(I hate customers like that…just say what you want in English…don’t try and use fancy bar terms)

Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink